On Being a "Yes" Sister

It's later than I like to start my math for the day. I spread out my books, notebook, calculators (yes, I use two), and note cards. Picking up my pencil, I write the lesson number and begin to copy the first problem to work out. And at that very moment, she comes through the door.

She's carrying a large book and as she walks toward me, her dimples show even though she's not smiling. "Lindsey, will you read this to me??" As I glance up into her big blue eyes, thoughts pour through my mind. That book?? She couldn't have picked a shorter one? You never even liked that one as a kid. And girl, you have so.much.math to do. Just tell her no. 

And I've told her no. Time and time again my voice has let those two letters free. No. No smoothies for breakfast. No book. No movie. No going outside. It got to the point where she and her twin sister would hardly come to me anymore for anything- and never to play with them. Let me tell you, that one hurt when I realized it was true. I was losing my little sisters.

They're in an odd stage right now and its one that is so easy to harp on. STOP it. Act like a 5 year old. Don't be silly. Open your eyes. (Seriously, what is it with half closing or completely closing your eyes when you're acting silly?) Don't act like a baby. Normal voices. 

It was a few weeks before Christmas when I pulled out several of my favorite old Christmas books and asked them if they wanted to read with me. Of course, they did, so we read about the candy cane and an apple tree and many others. 30 minutes later, they exclaimed "Thank you for reading to us!" as they climbed the stairs to bed.

Since then, I've tried. I played Candy Land, read books, baked cookies and muffins, and made smoothies every Friday morning (Except this Friday, because our blender burnt out). I've seized a few moments that I wouldn't have before... and I've also missed out on many that could have been wonderful memories.

I've written about this many times before, how we should treasure our time with those around us because they can be gone so quickly and because we are growing up. I haven't perfected it though... I'm nowhere near close. It can be discouraging to look back and see the times I failed and how sparse the times I haven't look in comparison. Let me tell you, I'm still in the thick of this one. I don't really see any light. But I'm wondering how different life would look- theirs, but especially mine- if I switched out even half of those nos with yes.

Yes. I'll make time for you.

Yes. You are important to me.

Yes.

It's not to say that no isn't okay. There are definite moments when a no is totally fine or even necessary. But yes, yes could work wonders on your relationship and your spirit. I've found that yes is freeing, life-giving. Yes allows you to step back from your own frazzled life and take a moment to seep it all in. Yes is a break, and more diligence and perspective when you come back to work.

Jesus said yes. I'm sure there were times when He wanted to go home or get away from the crowds or not answer one more question. But He did. He came to earth and served the people with love, giving more and more of Himself even when His human flesh grew weary. The story of His loving on and instructing the crowd of people who followed Him across the lake gets me every time. I know what it's like to want to be alone and withdraw from the crowds, yet He doesn't get annoyed or turn them away. I want to be like Him, to be able to surrender my plans without a complaint to serve others in love.

So I set down the notebook, smile at her, and open my arms. Yes. She climbs onto my lap and whispers, "I like this book." I whisper back, "I like YOU."

She's way more important than finishing three math lessons today anyway.

On Weddings, Babies, and Never-Ending Highschool

I have a friend who is married with a 8 month old baby boy. I ran into their little family on my way into Starbucks the other day and it was so fun to hug them and watch them click J's carseat into the car and drive away. That pang stuck my heart though... you know the one. Jesus... I want that to be me so badly. Can't I be grown up now?

Another dear, dear friend was married in May and is due with her sweet baby girl in March. We meet at Biggby or Panera and I absolutely love to hear her talk about how she loves being married and how she can't wait to hold her daughter. I love it. But there are also moments of I.just.can't.wait.until.this.is.me.

I have a friend who is planning her wedding, dropping out of college to save money for marriage. I have a friend who is head over heels in love with her man and honestly, we're all just waiting for her relationship status on FB to change and pictures of a diamond to appear. A good number of my friends are older than me by several years, and so these days, lots of life-changing things are happening to them.

It's easy for me to feel left behind sometimes. They're all out there, with their exciting lives and men and babies, and here I am. Still in high school. Still plugging away at the school books and enduring the drama (no pun intended) of HPA. It's exhausting and monotonous at times. It's easy to feel like the end of the school year- or even Christmas break- will never come, much less graduation. And graduation isn't even the magic key to marriage and babies and exciting life.

What would happen if we all just took a moment to think about this?? How as little girls we longed for this time in our lives? How so many others don't make it to 16, to 20, to 35? How these moments, these days, will never come again?? People, this stage in your life will finish, this page will turn, and we won't be able to go back.

I don't want to pine these last years of high school away by wanting a husband and a family. I remember thinking as a little girl that 16 would be the absolutely perfect age and it seemed so far away. But I'm living those perfect days right now! and they are good. I have a relationship with the King of the world, a wonderful family, amazing friends. I love homeschooling, HPA, quirky moments with those I love and freedom with my days. Why is it so hard to be content with all those blessings?!?

It all goes back to that one truth: Satan doesn't like God to be glorified. He will fight nail, teeth, and bone to keep praise from going back to our Savior. And you know something?

Discontent people rarely worship God meaningfully.

When I remember that God has given me this school, job, year, life to do for Him and His glory, and when I live like I believe it, I do my school in a way that worships the Lord. When I remember that He has given me these last few years to have a huge impact on my siblings' lives, I work hard to invest in our relationships. When I remember that my high school friends will be busy with college and life in two very short years, we gather together to study the Bible and worship and pray and make memories together. When I remember that God has given me life, I live it to His glory.

Satan hates this.

Dreams aren't bad. Marriage is incredible. Babies are a massive blessing. What is wrong is when we allow Satan to distract us from our everyday work with whisperings and what-ifs. God knows the desires of our hearts! He loves to give good gifts to His children. But we have to trust that His plans for us are for the very best and that He never, ever makes mistakes. So many times I have prayed for something desperately and later realized how good it was that I didn't receive that gift. Other times I have prayed for something to later be overwhelmed with gratitude when God blesses me with that very thing.

Don't think I've mastered this. I've been battling it for days, weeks, months. I'm preaching to myself here. But be encouraged, friends! God knows what He's doing in your life and even if it feels like this stage will last forever, it won't. Don't let Satan discourage you from fighting the good fight. Find joy in doing what it is that God has you doing in the here and now, and remember that before you know it, these days will be but a memory. What you do with them is up to you, but don't waste them.

"For who knows what is good for man while he lives the few days of his vain life, which he passes like a shadow?" {Eccl. 6:12}

God does. Rest in His arms, in His love for you today, friends.

Crashing Down

I think most people have a family. Not a flesh-and-blood, blue eyes, midwest drawl family, but a family of people that you surround yourself with when your mom and dad and sisters and brother can't be there. Theater's my thing and I've been so blessed over the years to have had some wonderful families there.

The devotion teams stand out the most. Each year, the directors pick 4-8 people to give devotions and lead the cast. We're selected, but it's more than that. We're a family. During Fiddler on the Roof, we were all trying to figure out exactly how to do this devotions and family thing, but my My Fair Lady team was incredible. We were all super close, we prayed and talked and encouraged and laughed all the time.

And I've been ready for this year. I had plans and dreams, ideas and devotions, all planned and ready to talk to that new team- my new family- about. Honestly, in my head, I was picking them out too.

"Okay, God, can I have Tim and Andy and Chase and Jamie and Abby and Ashlea and Christianna? Thanks."

Before auditions, I spent some time down on my grandparents' dock. And righ there in my journal, I wrote,

"So right here, God, I dedicate HPA this year to you. I'm placing my role, my cast, my committee, my friends, and my life in your hands. I give it all to You. There is no place I'd rather be than YOUR perfect plan. I am Yours. Use me, Lord."

Did you catch that little part there about my committee? The words sound nice, but they really meant, "God, I'll let You decide which devotion committee I'm on this year. I guess I'm okay with either one." It wasn't real submission, probably because I never had any thoughts about not being on the team. I'd been for the past two years, and I was a strong Christian with a desire to do it. I full-out adored it. I thought that was enough.

It wasn't. God had other plans and other lesson for my life. The cast and committee lists came out and the hardest part of that day wasn't the "oh, she and she and he and they aren't in my show." or even the "Okay, God, I guess I'll do the small, girl-group chorus again." It was reading those lists, seeing those committees, and knowing that they were a family. And I wasn't in it.

Call me crazy, but I've grieved the loss of this never-was-mine family. I denied for a bit that this was the truth, thinking, hoping, pulling at any last straw, "It's just a mistake. ____ will email me any time telling me that they mixed up the lists." Then it hit me and I was mad, upset that they could give "my" place to someone else.

God's been teaching me so much, though. It's humbling to have to answer people's "What committ- oh, right, you're on devotions." with "Actually..." and then the truth. I realized how proud I've been, how much I built my place in HPA on that lofty platform of devotions. I glorified in putting together devotions that would sound good and powerful, not necessarily asking God to speak His words through me, just to use my words for Him. There's a difference. Yet through it all, I loved it so much, I made it an idol in my life. It was an idol of pride, self-worth, and popularity. We all know that God can't stand idols.

So He pulled it down. It kinda felt like HPA as I know it came crashing down around me too. It's brought tears to my eyes more than once to watch the team meet in different corners and knowing how encouraging those meetings are. My heart hurt while I sat through devotions last week. Watching the community between the members has been painful. It's all been painful.

But it's good. That's the last word I want to use to describe it, but I must. Chris Brown talked at the Leadership Summit about how much pain and revenge Saul went through because he refused to admit that David was a better leader and warrior than he was. Saul wouldn't move over or get out of the chariot to make room for David.

Chris then asked us, "Do you have room in your chariot for someone else? Someone who might do the job better than you?" I kinda feel pushed out of the chariot, but honestly, I don't know if I would have gotten out any other way. So it's good. I'm where God wants me, and it's the best place to be. I'm crazy blessed to have been on the devotion team for two years, and I'm crazy blessed to get to listen to their devotions now.

Larry Osborne says, "We don't care who teaches the message, as long as the message is taught."

So teach it, devotion teams. Remind the casts who God is and who we are, and how everything we do; the singing, the dancing, the acting, everything, is for Him and because of Him and His love and His grace. Encourage them, rebuke them, teach them, and love them, every one, even the ones who are in no way like you. Stay humble, stay focused on grace and God. I'm praying for each of you.

"Not to us, oh Lord, not to us, but to Your Name be the glory."

A Year Ago Today {Nicholas's Hospital Story}

A year ago today, June 5th, 2012, started normally. It didn’t end that way.

That Tuesday started one of the craziest weeks of our lives, and we couldn’t have made it through without the support of some very special people.

To you who cleaned our house, filled our fridge, organized our towel drawer and brought us dinners,

Who stayed with us at different points, took the kiddos to swimming and me to driver ed,

Who occupied the girls, did our laundry and let me cry in the car,

Who texted me over and over, and let me vent,

Who sent us encouraging emails, texts and Facebook messages, and let us know you cared,

Who visited Nicholas in the hospital, prayed over him, and let my momma have a water break,

Who prayed,

Thank you. I can’t express how much you mean to us all. Your prayers, words, and help mattered- to Mom at the hospital, Dad in Ohio, and me home with all the girls. We couldn’t have made it without you and we firmly believe that Nicholas is healed today because of the healing power of our Heavenly Father. Your prayers made a difference.

Nicholas’s story is below, for those who might wish to read it.

God is good.

~~~
It’s a basic Tuesday morning and my mom is out running when my sister comes in and tells me that my brother can’t get out of bed. I go in and basically tell him to swing his legs around and climb down. It seems like a minor bump to a “normal” day. An hour or two later, he’s still complaining about his leg when I leave for Driver’s Ed.

Later in the day, he’s still in a ton of pain- and Kristin is still hobbling around from her hurt toe she got at soccer the night before. After dinner, Mom takes them both to the urgent care clinic, and I stay home with the little ones. She brings them home around 9:30- Kristin with a jammed toe and Nicholas undiagnosed. They think that possibly he has an appendix on the other side and that maybe he has appendicitis. We’re told to go the the E.R. if his pain gets worse or if he throws up. It’s a hard process to get him up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning, he “thinks it feels a little better.” I go off to driver’s ed again, after making Momma promise several times to text me updates. He gets worse throughout the day, and once piano lessons are over, Mom decides to take him in. Getting him into the car is difficult; he’s in so much pain that he can’t move his leg or hip without crying. We all cry a little watching him cry as they drive away.

Mom calls every few hours to give us updates, and the doctors don’t seem to know exactly what is wrong. First they say it’s appendicitis, then a badly pulled muscle, then a bacterial infection of the hip. It’s hard to wait, not knowing. Anna and Libby get a lot of texts, and their prayers and assurance is such a blessing. The doctors decide to admit him overnight and Mrs. W and Carson come over to spend the night with us and bring food. Dad leaves Ohio at 3 in the morning so that he can be at [the hospital] by 9. We think there’s a lot of long, painful tests ahead, and Dad wants to be there for Nick, for Mom, and for us.

I have to leave the house at 7:15 to drive the next day, and Mom texts while I’m at class that it’s a viral infection called Toxic Synovitis. They come home around 3, and he’s still limping, but so much better. He’s home, and we all think that life will go back to normal again. It doesn’t.

~~~

It’s around 8:30 the next morning when the phone rings. Mom answers it, gets a funny look on her face, and goes into the office to talk. A few minutes later, she comes back in to tell me that the doctor called and that they found staph infection in Nicholas’s blood- in both samples they sent in to test. The doctors need him to come back to the hospital right away. His appointment for 4 o’clock that afternoon is too late.

When Momma tells him, he cries, “You mean I have to go back and get more blood tests?” He’d had 7 blood tests and 3 ivs already in the past 24 hours. Mom texts Anna from church to come stay with the kids, and I have to get ready to leave for Driver’s Ed. At this point, I begin to think that driving is a little overrated.

Mrs. S comes to pick me up, and Mom comes out to the van to tell her. Then Mom starts crying, I start crying and Mrs. S starts praying. It’s a few minutes before we leave our driveway. Everyone in the car and at class was so sweet, but I think that was the longest class in history. I get home to a counter full of food, a clean house, and the kids just getting home from swimming lessons. I strongly believe we have the best friends in the world.

The doctors do an echocardiogram of Nicholas’s heart to make sure the staph isn’t infecting it, and it comes back fine. Ws pick us up and take us to a little party that's been planned for a few weeks, and we pray for Nicholas while we’re there. We’re told that the doctors will do one more test to make sure he’s positive, and then they will start him on iv antibiotics for a week or two. If he responds well to those, they’d send him home with a PIC line for another two to four weeks. I email and text to get others praying, and Mom and Dad do the same. Satan starts whispering, “You know how you planned to...” and “How will you do/go ___ with Nick attached to medical lines all day?” We keep praying. Satan goes away.

We all get to go visit Nicholas at the hospital the next morning, and then Anna takes us home. We’re supposed to get the test results around 12, and Dad and Mom don’t want us there. It’s closer to one when a doctor comes in and tells them. “There’s absolutely no traces of staph in his blood. There’s no explanation for this. I just can’t understand it.”

We do. Our God is good.

The Day After Easter

It's the day after Easter and I recline on our guest bed and write a paper about the respiratory system. The little girls are putting stickers on their letter "F" and the other kids are deep in their school books too.

It's the day after Easter, and this is our worship.

It's the day after Easter, and my Pandora station plays worship music all day long. The respiratory paper stops sometimes, and the writer closes her eyes to dwell on her Jesus. "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus..."

It's the day after Easter, and this is my worship.

It's the day after Easter, and I sit in the bedroom with the twins so that they don't talk to each other while they're supposed to be sleeping. My history pages ask me about the Scottish Covenant and astronomers and Pascal's Law and Isaac Watts.

It's the day after Easter, and this is my worship.

It's the day after Easter, and I stir cheesy potatoes in the frying pan and set the table while Momma cuts apples and peels oranges. We're working together to feed the family.

It's the day after Easter, and this is our worship.

It's the day after Easter, and my worship is vastly different today than it was yesterday. But I believe that we can live lives of worship, and that worship is more than just singing and reading our Bibles. Granted, that is worship...

School is also worship.

Cleaning is also worship.

Eating is also worship.

Breathing is worship, when you do it with the name of Jesus on your lips.

As long as you are doing your work to glorify God, then your work is worship.

Don't be discouraged by the drop from your wonderful church service yesterday to the grind of everyday life today. You can find God in the little things just as much as in the building with the cross.

Your life can be an act of worship to our King of Kings. Will you let it be?

Merry Christmas!

from our family to yours!

A Letter to My Girlies

Dear ones,

Can it really be that you are 4 and a week today? When did you go from being my babies to my girlies?

I love that you are twins. I love your closeness and the way you know each other inside and out. I love how when you're apart, it's "When's my sister-friend coming home?" all the time.

Having lived this life for 11 1/2 more years than you, I've poured out my heart here on this page. I know that all too soon, you'll be reading this yourself. As for right now, you're sitting on the floor playing with your Bitty Babies and singing something to the tune of Jingle Bells. and I love it.

First of all, JESUS. Make sure He always comes first. Don't let anything get in the way of having time with Him. Know that no matter what, He will always, always, always be at your side and He loves you more than the sun and the moon and the stars and this world and He died a bloody death because He loved you so. Love Him back. It's so worth it.

Stay best friends for your whole life. The world will try to separate you and Satan will annoy you but the relationship that you cultivated since before birth is beyond priceless. Whatever it takes, be on each other's side. Already, you both have such strong, loyal personalities. Use that strength and loyalty on each other. Never stop loving.

Don't play the comparing game. You are both incredibly beautiful, sweet, lovely girls. Being identical twins will be hard, but Jesus made you both in His image. One might have more friends, more boldness, more energy. That doesn't make you worse. You are your own unique person, created by the God of the universe.

Don't be afraid of the new and unknown. Don't be afraid to get your hair wet. The world can be a scary place, but Jesus is with you! You are a daughter of the King! Hold your head up and go out and do great things for Him.

There will come a day when something tragic happens and you feel like your world is crashing down. It isn't. Go ahead, cry, pray and take a few moments. It's okay to feel pain. It's okay to cry. Do you hear that?!? It's okay to cry. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

Jesus has a really special guy picked out just for you. It makes me smile thinking of this now but it's, oh, so true. Don't worry at age 10 about how you'll meet him, or age 15 about how you'll know that he's the one. I can't tell you how you'll meet him, or how you'll know. But it's all in God's plan for you. Don't fret.

If you still wear matching clothes when you're 17, it's okay. :) And speaking of clothes, don't put too much effort into it, k? It doesn't matter what will make you look the cutest. Really, get up, put on clothes and spend the other time with Jesus. You'll get way more out of it than standing in front of the closet.

If you grow up and decide not to do HPA, it's okay. Don't be pressured into doing something just because we all have loved it. It's okay not to love what everyone else does. God put a special passion in you to go out and shine His light with. If God's not calling you to theater, that's okay. If you don't like watching football games, that's okay. If the piano keys don't make pretty noises under your fingers, that's okay. You go out and do what Jesus is calling you to, and I won't try to convince you otherwise.

Always be sympathetic. You never know what hardships someone is going through at home. Promise to be there and hug them tight and write them letters but most of all, pray. With them, for them. You'll never know how much it means.

You will be in weddings. You were already in Abigail and Brian's and were so adorable. But always be prepared with tissues and smiles and waterproof mascara. Know that your day will come and you will be the one in white. and I'll be the one with the tissues then.

Don't lose your individuality. It's a precious thing in this day and age. Stay true to who Jesus wants you to be. Don't sway with the popular crowd. I've done it and it's so not fun. Be who you are in Jesus Christ and He will help you stay strong.

You are amazing. The way your smile lights up the room and your laughter makes us laugh too makes our house a home. Your faces in that picture ^^^ make my heart melt. 

I could go on and on, but my fingers are beginning to stumble in the darkness of this quiet room. If you only get one thing out of this letter, have it be this:

Jesus loves you. Both of you. exactly how you are. Love Him back.

I will love you always.

Your Lindsey

You Say I've Been Gone For a While?

I've had a good excuse. :)

More soon.

Because We All Need Some Cuteness on a Monday Morning...

Disney {2012}

We were in FL for a bit in February... Thus the reason why the blog was quiet for a bit. We hit Disney World for a few days and then went to my grandparent's condo to relax for another few days before heading home.

First picture taken there... Yahhh, for Mickey stickers! :)

yes, we had a need.

It's a Small World!

Momma and I took the twins on The Blue Line Express while the others went on Space Mountain.

Tired out from our first day!

Eller girl

Ahhh, so pretty!

"Shooting" a bird. :)

And thus we left. :) More relaxing pictures next week.